May issue - Magazine - Page 53
Glenside
News
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ENTERTAINMENT
TIME FOR A GIGGLE!
Engineers have constructed a car that’s
fuelled by parsley. They’re now
working on a train that runs on thyme.
I used to sit next to a boy at school who
spent all his time counting. I wonder
what he’s up to now.
Can an ordained minister have an altar ego?
Two friends are on the golf course
when they see a woman they know
sneaking behind some bushes. “Oh,
look,” says John. “Mrs Fitzgerald
from the golf commi ee has been
caught short. I’ll bet you £20 she
doesn’t wipe her bum a erwards.”
Jack is surprised. “She’s a very
respectable woman,” he says. “Of
course she’ll wipe her bum.” “Bet on
then,” says John, turning towards
the bushes and shou ng, “ Lovely
morning, Mrs Fitzgerald!”
I was in the pub a few days ago
when I realised I desperately
needed to fart. The music was
really, really loud, so I timed my
farts with the beat. After a couple
of songs, I started to feel better
but as I finished my pint I noticed
everyone was staring at me. Then
I remembered my earbuds.
HEY DAD, CAN I USE THE
LAWN MOWER TO MAKE
SOME EXTRA MONEY?
YOU SURE
CAN, SON
My wife asked me to pick up a blusher
for her when I went to Boots in
Stamford. So I came back with an easily
embarrassed farmer.
A budding author goes on a creative
writing course and the tutor says that to
achieve success in writing a best-selling
novel a writer should concentrate on a few
popular topics - religion, royalty, sex and
mystery. Fired with this knowledge the
novice novelist begins her creative career
with the line: “God, I’m pregnant, says the
princess. “I wonder whose it is.”
There’s nothing I love more than
getting a cup of builder’s tea from the
Community Shop. The hard part is
not spilling it as he chases me up
Station Road.
Whenever people ask about my wife I
say, “She’s with Jesus now.” Which is
technically true as she left me for a
Spanish bloke.
My friend Jack Hughes didn’t enjoy his
holiday in France. Every time he
introduced himself to someone they got
all defensive.
A soldier, a surgeon and a poli cian are
talking. The surgeon says that his profession
is the oldest in the world. “How do you
figure that?” asks the soldier. “Well, in the
Garden of Eden Eve was made from Adam’s
rib so there must have been a surgeon
involved in that.” “Rubbish,” says the
soldier. “Mine is the oldest profession
because before Adam and Eve, when the
world was created, order had to come
about out of chaos. Only a trained soldier
could have done that.” “Ah,” says the
poli cian, “and who did you think created
all that chaos?”
I went into the Brook Taverner shop I gave up working at Halfords. People
in the High Street to buy a jacket and kept asking me such stupid questions.
Like last winter when a young man came
the shop assistant asked if I’d like to in
and asked me, “What do you do with
try it on. I was a bit surprised but I de-icer?” I said, “Put on dee windscreen
said, “I’d love to. What time do you of course.”
finish work?”
Bill has put his life savings into a business
making a new brand of crisps. He says
he’s going to make a packet, but surely
that won’t be enough to give him a
decent return on his investment.
A lad tells his friend he went out
with a girl for the rst time. “And
she put her arms round me three
times,” he says. “Rubbish,” says
his friend. “We don’t know anyone
with arms that long.”
I went to a lively Middle Easternthemed party last night. It was a proper
Lebanese-up.
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