March issue - Magazine - Page 53
Glenside
News
GlensideNews@mail.com
ENTERTAINMENT
TIME FOR A GIGGLE!
Having dislocated a knee and
fractured an elbow in two pub fights,
Ted learned to steer clear of those
joints.
Fact: taller people sleep longer in bed.
Can’t find anyone to sing with you? You’ll
have to duet yourself.
A newly qualified accountant goes for an
interview with a small business owner. “I
need an accountant, basically because I
need someone to do my worrying for me.”
“How do you mean?” asks the young
accountant. “I worry about a lot of things,”
says the man, “but I don’t want to have to
worry about money. Your job will be to take
all my money worries off me. In return I’ll
pay you £50,000 a year.” “Blimey!” says the
accountant. “How can such a small business
afford fees like that?” “That,” says the
businessman, “is your first worry.”
It’s two o’clock in the morning and a
husband and wife are asleep when
suddenly the phone rings. The husband
pick up and says, “Hello... How the heck
should I know? What am I, the
weatherman?” He slams the phone
down. His wife rolls over and asks,
“Who was that?” The husband replies,
“I don’t know. Just some man who
wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A doctor and his wife are having
a big argument over breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed,
either,” he shouts as a parting
shot he storms off to work. By
mid morning he decides he’d
better make amends and phone
home. After many rings his wife
finally picks up the phone.
“What took you so long to
answer?” he asks. “I was in bed.”
“Why were you in bed at this
time?” “I was getting a second
opinion.”
A woman returns from her visit to the GP
and tells her husband, “The doctor
recommended that I spend one month at
sea, two weeks in the countryside and go
abroad for a week. So where are you
taking me?” “To another doctor,” replies
the husband.
Frank has got a new job and tells
everyone that now he has hundreds of
people under him. He cuts the grass in
the cemetery.
I have a friend who’s half Indian.
He’s called Ian.
I will never forget the day my little
brother was born. It sticks in my
mind because it was the same day I
lost half my inheritance.
The past, present and future walk
into a bar. It was tense...
I tried my hand at rugby the other
day. I thought I was pre y good at
it, but all everyone kept saying was,
“Nice try.” So condescending.
I’ve had to stop going for a
massage. My masseur was a nice
enough person but he kept rubbing
me up the wrong way.
A man goes to the doctor’s and tells him
he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor
examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles
of pills. The doctor says: “Take a green
pill with a big glass of water when you
get up. Take a blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before
you go to bed, take a red pill with
another big glass of water.” Alarmed at
the amount of medication he’s going to
be taking, the man asks, “What’s wrong
with me?” The doctor says, “You’re not
drinking enough water.”
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