May issue - Magazine - Page 51
Glenside
News
GlensideNews@mail.com
ENTERTAINMENT
TIME FOR A GIGGLE!
You say: Oh, no thanks, not for me.
You mean: Please ask me again so
I can say, ‘Oh go on then, just one.’
Every morning I tell my family I’m
going jogging, but then I don’t go.
It’s a running joke in our household.
You say: I’m in a bit of a pickle.
You mean: I’m in the middle of a
catastrophe of epic proportions!
My wife was always criticising me for
getting lost and blamed my sense of
direction. She went on and on about
it until one day I’d had enough. So I
packed my bags and right.
You say: We should arrange to go
for a drink sometime.
You mean: I never want to see you
again.
Who designed King Arthur’s Round
Table? Sir Cumference.
You say: It’s not quite what I had in
mind.
You mean: I hate it.
If Marvel Comics’ Silver Surfer teamed
up with Iron Man what would they be?
They’d be alloys.
You say: You look like you had a
good time last night.
You mean: You look terrible.
You say: Yes, could do...
A Spanish magician tells his audience that You mean: Absolutely not.
he’s going to make himself vanish on the
You say: You must give me the
count of three. Then he says, “Uno,
recipe.
dos...” and disappears without tres.
What do you call a hen that counts
her own eggs and gives you a tally
at the end of the week? A
mathemachicken!
A duck walks up from the Meadows and
goes into Boots in Stamford High Street.
He has a good look round and then
asks the assistant if she has a
Chapstick. The assistant finds him the
lip balm and the duck says, “Thank you,
can you put it on my bill?”
A duck walks up from the Meadows
and goes into the Millstone pub. It
waddles up to the bar and says to the
barman, “Got any bread?”
“We don’t serve wildlife,” says the
barman.
“Got any bread?” says the duck.
“I’ve told you,” says the barman. “We
don’t serve wildlife.”
“Got any bread?”
“No!”
“Got any bread?”
“No, and if you don’t stop asking me
I’ll nail your stupid beak to the bar.”
“Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any bread?”
You mean: That was disgusting,
what on earth was in it?
Johnny’s geography teacher asks him
to name some of the best and most
notable things that can be said about
Switzerland. He thinks for a bit and
then says, “I’m not sure, but their ag
is a big plus.”
Did you hear about the man who invented
the knock-knock joke? They awarded him
a no-bell prize.
What did the ancient mariner say to the
young sailor when he asked him if he was
over 70? He said: “Aye, aye matey.”
A man goes into a pub in Dublin, orders
three pints of Guinness and sits down at
the bar. When the drinks arrive he lines
them up and begins drinking from each
one in turn. The barman is curious. “Why
are you drinking from three glasses at the
same me? Why not just order another
one when you’ve finished the previous
one?” The man explains: “I have two
brothers. One has just emigrated to
Australia and the other one has gone to
the States. So we agreed that on a Friday
night, wherever we are, we’ll order a pint
of Guinness for each of us and virtually
toast the good mes we had together.”
This ritual goes on for some years un l
one day the man only orders two pints.
The barman jumps to the obvious
conclusion and extends his sympathy to
the man on the loss of one of his
brothers. “Oh, there’s nothing wrong with
either of them,” says the man. “It’s just
my doctor’s told me to give up drinking .”
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