June issue - Magazine - Page 51
Glenside
News
GlensideNews@mail.com
ENTERTAINMENT
TIME FOR A GIGGLE!
I saw an advert for haemorrhoid
cream and it said eight out of ten
people suffer with piles. Does that
mean the other two people actually
enjoy them?
It’s easy to make a small fortune in
crypto currency. You start with a
large fortune.
How do you know when a moth has
farted? It flies straight for a second.
Do successful shermen make a
net prot?
Why do mermaids in cartoons wear
seashells on their chests? It’s because
their boobs are too big for B-shells but
too small for D-shells.
What did the fish say when it swam
smack bang into a wall? “Dam!”
I’m trying to master speed reading and I
managed to read War and Peace in 20
seconds. OK, it’s only three words, but
it’s a start.
I said to the air steward, “I’m
feeling rather odd and I can’t see
straight.” He said, “Let me check,
are you intoxicated?” I said, “No,
I’m in economy.”
Two doctors from Sri Lanka
are having a discussion in
Costa Coffee at Peterborough
Hospital. “I say it goes
w-h-o-o-m,” says the first.
No, it’s w-o-o-m-p,” says the
other. A passing nurse
overhears and feels she ought
to correct their English.”It’s
actually spelt w-o-m-b,“ she
says.”Thank you, nurse,”
replies one of the Sri
Lankans, “but are you really
in a position to know the
sound of an elephant passing
wind under water?”
The lights were very bright at the
Hong Kong restaurant in Stamford
so the manager decided to dim sum.
Did you know that all male players
who get to the top in tennis are
witches? It’s true. Take Goran, even
he’s a witch.
Some people say: “If you think you can’t
beat them, join them.” I say: “If you think
you can’t beat them, try twice as hard.
They’ll be expecting you to join them so
you’ll have the element of surprise.
This morning I woke up to the
unmistakable smell of pigs in blankets.
That’s the price you pay for inviting
the relatives to stay for Christmas.
My sister’s going out with a mushroom
farmer. According to all her friends he’s
the fun guy to be with.
Did you know you can get illegitimate
Rice Krispies? They’re all snap, crackle
but no pop.
According to the Bible, the
children of Israel wandered in
the wilderness for 40 years.
See. Even in those days the men
wouldn’t ask for directions.
I was told that stamps are worth more if
they’ve been sent to someone. So I sent
all my stamps to someone. And now he’s
got all my stamps.
Today I mended the bridge of a violin, put
new strings on another violin and polished
the body of a third violin. All fiddly jobs.
Two simple old country boys have been
out shoo ng rabbits and are on their way
home when one of them suddenly
clutches his chest and falls to the ground.
In a panic, the other one whips out his
phone and dials 999. “My friend has just
collapsed and I think he’s dead,” he
shouts at the operator. “ Stay calm, sir, “
says the operator. “We’ll get an
ambulance to you straight away and I’ll
give you some instruc ons to deal with
your friend in the mean me. Firstly, you
need to make sure that he’s definitely not
breathing.” “I can do that,” says the man.
“I’ll just put down the phone.” The line
goes silent and then there’s a deafening
BANG! The man comes back on the
phone. “OK,” he says. “What’s next?”
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